Three Surgeons

There once were three surgeons and they worked at City Hospital in Birmingham. Now these three men were very proud and boastful and they were extremely competitive towards one another. Every Friday night they would meet in the Red Lion Pub on Warstone Lane and they would drink Bank’s Bitter and boast about all the operations they’d done during the week and argue about which of them was the greatest surgeon.

Now it was Friday night and they were drinking and boasting as usual. It was quite late on and the rest of the regulars had already gone home. The landlord had drawn the curtains and one of the surgeons said:

The other two surgeons laughed.

The eye surgeon was goaded into action, taking a desert spoon he placed it under his eyelid and scooped it out as if it had been blancmange desert. He put it on the table.

The second surgeon not to be outdone said:

The other two surgeons laughed.

Forced into action the surgeon took a scalpel and removed his own nose and put it on the table.

This left just the third surgeon.

The other two surgeons laughed.

Enraged the surgeon took a scalpel and removed his own hand and placed it on the table.

There was blood everywhere but the surgeons didn’t feel anything because of the copious quantities of bitter they’d consumed.

The evening was drawing to a close and one of the surgeons called the landlord.

Then they left the pub. Well the landlord picked up the three parts and put them on a plate. He went into the kitchen and he placed the plate on the top of the fridge and went off to the cellar to change a barrel.

Now the big ginger cat had been watching everything that had happened and as soon as the landlord was out of the room he jumped up onto the fridge and of course the first thing he went for was the eyeball, it went down with one gulp. Then the cat sniffed the nose and devoured it. The hand was next and by the time the landlord came back it was practically gone.

The cat jumped down and the landlord was beside himself with rage, after all the surgeons were good customers of his. He looked at the empty plate and he gazed into the yellow eyes of the ginger cat, and then he had an idea. Taking the meat cleaver from off its hook he chased the ginger tom round the room and with one blow cut his head clean off his body. I think at this point that I should say that no animals were actually harmed in the making of this story. The landlord took the head of the cat and removed one of its eyes and placed it on the plate. It wasn’t exactly the same but it would have to do.

Now the landlord had a friend who worked at Birmingham abattoir, so he made his way there. And there were carcases of pigs hanging down from hooks. He went over to one of them and he cut it’s nose off, all right it wasn’t exactly the same but basically there isn’t a great deal of difference between a man’s nose and that of a pig.

Then there was the question of where would he get a hand from. Now the landlord knew one of the warders at Winson Green Prison and a thief had just been hanged. So he made his way to the prison and he cut the hand of the thief off. I mean he wouldn’t have any need for it where he was going would he.

Well a week went by and the three surgeons came to the Red Lion on Friday night and as usual they were boasting about all the operations they’d carried out during the week and drinking copious quantities of Bank’s Bitter. The night was drawing on and all the other locals had gone home. One of the surgeon’s called out:

Landlord bring us the body parts from last week.

Well the landlord brought out the plate with the eye, the nose and the hand on it. The optical surgeon was first:

He picked up the yellow cat’s eye and proceeded to surgically put it back into his eye socket.

It was the turn of the nose surgeon, he picked up the pig’s nose and taking his scalpel he trimmed it down a bit and then he surgically placed it onto his face.

That just left the hand surgeon, he took his scalpel and scraped around his wrist and the base of the hand and with great skill he surgically attached the hand to his wrist. He flexed his hand and fingers.

The surgeons continued drinking and boasting about how clever they were. Eventually they said goodnight to the landlord and made their way home.

Now the following week the optical surgeon had an appointment with one of his patients. He had just popped the patient’s eye out onto his cheek and was examining it with his small light when he noticed a mouse running across the floor. Leaving the patient he proceeded to chase the mouse round the room.

The surgeon had to be restrained.

Now the nose surgeon also had an appointment with a patient. Now this patient had been shopping at Tesco before he’d arrived for his appointment and he had a bag full of fruit and vegetables. While the surgeon was examining the patient’s nose he spotted the bag and his nose began to twitch. Leaving the patient he ran over to the bag and plunged his head into the bag coming out with an apple in his mouth.

The surgeon had to be restrained.

This left just the hand surgeon and he too had an appointment with one of his patients. Now the patient came into the room and he hung his jacket on the back of the door. The surgeon invited the patient to lie down on the black recliner and he began to examine his hand. Suddenly the surgeon released the man’s hand and ran over the door and took the man’s wallet from his inside pocket.

The surgeon had to be restrained.

Now the whole thing was a great scandal and there was talk of the surgeons being struck off by the BMA. But it was decided that the reputation of the hospital would be greatly damage if the public were to find out. So the whole matter was hushed up and the three surgeons were simply dismissed.

Now as far as I know the three surgeons are still working in the NHS. And you may even be lucky enough to meet them in a hospital near you.